Halo - XBOX

Price:     $10-20

Players: 1 (16 for online multiplayer)

One of the most popular games of all time. If you don't know what Halo is, you're probably over 50, don't have kids, and don't read anything, like, ever.

COVER ART/SCREENSHOTS/BOX EXPLANATION (10/10)
No surprises here. Bungee is a solid company, and knows how to polish its products. The box looks cool, the back shows what's going on, and even makes absolutely sure you know you're going to have access to a big stinkin' rocket launcher by posting Master Chief looking all tough with one on the back. It's not even an inlay. He's just busting out of the back ready to frag some aliens.

Now, I remember when I first saw this box. It was during a time when I was too focused on work and sleep to do much else, but I would stop into E.B. Games here and there to see what was new. I hadn't seen any previews of the game in magazines, but I had heard whispers during my previous visits about how cool it looked, this and that. When it finally came out, I looked at the box, turned it out... meh. It looked just like every other shooter, except it had vehicles. Hadn't vehicles been done? Tribes had them, right? Yeah. And that was it. I didn't have an XBOX anyway, and I still had to beat Disgaea. Consider it paranoia, if you will, but I've been fooled by box art with cool guns before (Daikatana, you bastard). In the FPS world, there are huge variables that do NOT consist of graphics, plain and simple. Still, when I got around to it, I didn't feel like Halo lied to me in the slightest... at least not by the box.

GAME PLAY (6/10)

I actually played Halo about three years later. More actively involved in games thanks to a circle of friends who regularly gathered to play Puzzle Fighter, Marvel VS Capcom 2, and Timesplitters 2. I had finally picked up an XBOX a year earlier thanks to the persuasive Ninja Gaiden being released, and my buddy Tyler had a copy, so I figured I'd see what the fuss was about.

 

Let me start by saying this; I really wanted to like Halo. I tried putting my issues aside. I tried to laugh at the stupid little aliens screaming when I killed their boss. It wasn't enough.

Halo is, and always will be, a mediocre game. The story is a decent little space opera, but there have been better. The controls are tight... but they should be, because Bungee had been around for years, and as a small company with decent funding, their quality should always be better that those larger companies whose crazy timelines and bulky management tend to erode the game more than help. Everything that could excel simply did not.

I thought we'd worked out a long time ago that shooting a gun should look and, more importantly, feel good. Remember the days when we didn't have force feedback? Or when you accidentally picked up a non-feedback controller because it was cheaper, and you didn't read the fine print? There are still games that, despite no rumble, have weapons that are just fun to shoot, even if it's just blank space. Every weapon in Doom, particularly the double-barrel shotgun, falls in this category, minus the pistol. Red Faction's combat shotgun was great, and I would announce my presence in Goldeneye multiplayer by firing twin Dostovei's wildly in the air. Blood had an awesome tommygun, Duke Nukem had the chain ripper, and so on. What do these all have in common? They felt solid. Halo's weapons... the only way to describe them is "squishy".

 

Halo is simple. You follow orders, run down a veritable track laden with aliens trying to blow your head off, and fire off your various weapons as if you were taking a casual stroll by the lake and can't be bothered to do anything else. The graphics are good, and the enemies are creative, but everything reeks like Image comic books of 1996, i.e. everything should be great... but it has no soul.

I also want to fault Halo for bringing about a revolution of sorts. I can't think of any melee attacks in FPS games prior that would kill a full-health enemy in multiplayer in two shots, max. Suspension of disbelief is alright in some cases, and I understand Master Chief is a genetic superman, but it paved the way for the exact same thing to happen all over. Call of Duty 4's knife makes some sense in how it insta-kills, but they decided to keep that same speed as the buttstroke/pistol whip from Halo. It doesn't make sense. And then came the laziness; in what could have been a fantastic game, this one-hit melee made its way into Transformers: War for Cybertron. There are no whirling attack chains like a mechanical God of War - no, a single whallop with a random axe, sword, or mace, leaving you vulnerable to attack as you recover is what you get. The real fault lies with those game developers, of course, but Halo made this sort of thing accessible.

 

I'll gripe about one last thing before wrapping this up. Jumping up and down in combat is suicide. Gears of War did this right, as it replaced jumping with a lurching, heavy run, but because jumping is harder to track in a game than in real life, as well as sprays of bullets not really doing anything more that scratching your armor, it became a viable tactic in many Halo multiplayer matches. Now, while I could get over it in most cases, I've always had this issue with slow-falling. Not only do you jump about 10 feet in the air, but you fall at the same speed you left the ground. If this were an adventure on a single planet, great, lesser gravity is weeeeird, but it's not the case. It's the same in the sequels, in all levels, whether on a space station or solid ground. And why is there no damned run button?

I've heard before the Halo novels explain some of this weird behavior, but my as is my usual response, "Novels based on licenses often exist as nothing more than a way to cover missteps by conveniently backtracking and explaining away their faults." Had the game not been a hit, as I'm assuming most parallel galaxies' timelines would attest, no books would have been made. But, the truth is...

IN-GENRE (ACTION/ADVENTURE) SCORE (5/10)

Halo is nothing more than a "gateway" game, comparable to some pot with your high school buddies before you grow up and realize cocaine is the better drug. There are better things out there, but you're too afraid to try them, or too biased to stick with it; maybe you'll dabble in some Call of Duty crystal meth from time to time, but nothing beats the old familiar feelings, right?

Get over it. Every generation, mass hysteria picks a new game to faun over. Remember Final Fantasy 7, how that's the most spectacular one in that series? Or how Mortal Kombat was the best fighting game ever made? If you believe any of these, you've been lied to. Look deeper.

I've already mentioned a plethora of great games (when talking about the squishy guns), and all of them top Halo in nearly every category. I'll go ahead and list some more, all before Halo existed: Timesplitters 2, Alien VS Predator 1 and 2, Unreal Tournament, Quakes 1-3, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, and Strife. Still, I suppose Halo has its vehicles. And they, too, felt squishy.

THE 'GAME OVER' ALL? (7.0)

Like any bad habit, it's time you all face the facts and tell your friends "No, I can't play Halo with you anymore. Let's play NFL 95 instead." While I guess it's too late, since Reach was the last Halo that Bungee will touch, it's well time this franchise died, or at least fixed its damnable mediocrity. I STILL want to like Halo, but it just can't happen when it doesn't do anything well.

Unfortunately, averaging all three scores gave this wildly uninventive game a higher final score than I would care for, but a 7 is just average, after all.

ARBITRARY CREDIT FOR NUDITY/GORE: +.00

Nothing to see here. Mass market appeal... check. You win, Microsoft, you sneaky pricks.

Alien 3 - Sega Genesis

Price:     $3-5

Players: 1

As Ripley, make your way through a maze of corridors in a timed race to rescue prisoners trapped in Xenomorph resin, all while trying not to get eaten.

COVER ART/SCREENSHOTS/BOX EXPLANATION (6/10)

If you crash-landed on Earth and had no idea what the Aliens franchise is all about, you'd probably be a little confused as to what the back of the box has to do with the game itself. I took it as a Contra clone, myself, but running around trying to make sure you rescue everyone in a level, in addition to limited ammo, totally screw that. Still, it does mention cramped corridors and whatnot, so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. Naturally a picture of a chestburster on the cover doesn't really explain much, other than it being loosely based on a franchise.

FRANCHISE VALIDITY (2/10)

As far as a movie tie-in, Alien 3 makes about as much damned sense as most other old franchise moneymakers (barring, maybe, Batman Returns), which is... almost none. I'm tempted to say it's actually based on Aliens and the developers took too much time. It's possible, though I can't prove it. 

See, while Lt. Ellen Ripley is in the game, and she's in her shaven-head costume, she's also equipped with the "I'm going to take out an entire alien hive" weapons from the climax of Aliens. That's way more than she'd need to jack up the lone dog xenomorph from the movie... but, again, in a more Aliens-esque manner, there are hundreds of the suckers running around. 

These were all sacrifices for the sake of entertaining gameplay, I'm sure, because a game based around setting up a trap to lure a single monster into a pit of molten lead would have been fun for about, oh, the five minutes it would take. The third movie sucked, anyway.

I still haven't figured out how Ripley saves all these dudes, though. They've already been implanted, according to the gore that ensues when you fail to rescue them in time. I guess you just shoot 'em in the head to make sure a couple more of the aliens don't come after you later on.

GAME PLAY (9/10)

So, I wanted a Contra and got something else. Sometimes life is full of pleasant surprises - Alien 3 is solid and intense, from the typical eeriness of a Genesis soundtrack to the rush through dark labyrinths full of speedy aliens.

First, let's talk about limited ammo. We live in a world where, in today's games (outside of a few rare survival horror franchises), ammo is plentiful and, for the most part, ridiculously effective. People are happy to park behind chest-high walls and unload their weapons into countless baddies, and more often than not they're totally replenished after such a fight. Where's the challenge? Alien 3 gives you four weapons - the typical Space Marine pulse rifle, a short-ranged flamethrower, an underslung grenade launcher, and some hand grenades. As heavy an armament this is, your pulse rifle ammo goes quick and the flamethrower goes faster. The grenade launcher takes a moment to fire, while the hand grenades obviously bounce and have a timer that means they're not really great, aside from trick shots in ducts. While there is a lot of ammo to be had, especially in later levels you'll be looking to double back and pick up some you previously left behind... which takes up precious time. 

Time is actually what makes this game great. If all you had to do was waltz through some tunnels and blow up everything in your way, it'd be a cakewalk. Instead, you've got to rescue everyone on the level, and in doing that you often end up taking a one-way trip back to some other part of the level, screwing up your sense of direction. Even after you pick up the hapless suckers you have to find your way out of the level, meaning you can still fail and have to do it all over again.

Luckily, your motion tracker helps a bit, and identifies sneaky aliens that are going to come charging at you from off-screen like a freight train. Problem is, these require batteries, and there are precious few of them around. Suddenly quick reflexes are a must, and if you get hit, you're knocked to the ground for several seconds. 

There are other little details I enjoy, too. The jump "locking", meaning you can't divert your path in the air to avoid something you missed before you hit the button; the health damage from falling even a bit too far; my favorite, by far, is doors being destructible by grenade. It can actually save you time, as manually opened doors take a moment and leave you open to attack by aliens on the other side.

I do have a minor gripe with the sensitivity of ladder dismounting, however. You have to be perfectly level with a floor to dismount, none of that "close enough" that we're used to from Castlevania's staircases.

IN-GENRE (ACTION/ADVENTURE) SCORE (10/10)

As far as an action/adventure game goes, this one is right at the top in my book. Lots of platforming combined with solid shooting action and boss fights where you unload tons of grenades ("Foomp! Foomp! Foomp!") into a bigger-than-normal badass alien and a gripping feeling that you just don't have enough time make it one of the best in the genre.

THE 'GAME OVER' ALL? (9.52)

Right, I know, it doesn't average correctly... but as far as the franchise and box art are concerned, screw off. This particular gem was kinda like finally getting the chance to punch Rev. Al Sharpton in the face, only to discover your fist gives him cancer, too; that is to say, it's a nice surprise. I'm not one for patiently figuring out where all the hostages are, but Alien 3 makes it worth the trip. It's atmospheric, fun, and another shining example of why the Genesis was the best 16-bit system made. While it looks dated, it still plays well, aside from a few minor quirks. If you want a game that gives you a fulfilling challenge, this is it.

...AND ANOTHER THING...

Alien 3 was made for a number of systems, just like the ones based on movies today. Game Gear, Gameboy, and Nintendo all had decent adaptations of this, but the Super Nintendo ran off and did its own thing with the license. It was long and boring, with none of the solidity and tense moments of this one. Stay away from it.

ARBITRARY CREDIT FOR NUDITY/GORE: +.02

If you run out of time, and you will at least once, you'll see all the prisoners you didn't rescue have
their rib cages blown out as a chestburster scurries away.